12/27/2013

New EXCERPT- His Dream Lover



Got an excerpt for you from my latest release today- His Dream Lover 
This is in Totally Bound's 50's Mixed Tape Anthology



EXCERPT 

Lee Brazil

By reading any further, you are stating that you are 18 years of age, or over. If you are under the age of 18, it is necessary to exit this site.
Copyright © Lee Brazil 2014. All Rights Reserved, Total-E-Ntwined Limited, T/A Totally Bound Publishing.

“It’s my half day today.” As though having time off means you’ll be away from the hospital. Dr Oliver Gideon perched on the edge of the uncomfortable chair beside the bed in room 32B at Beachport Memorial Hospital and searched the pale face on the pillow for any sign that his words had been heard.
The night nurse had turned the patient’s face so he looked into the room. If he could see, that was. The comatose man’s eyelids remained obstinately closed after six months of long sleep. There wasn’t even a flicker of eye movement that Oliver could latch onto and pretend the patient dreamed, or merely slept. Those lids lay stubbornly still, immobile as the rest of the man.
Coma. It was supposed to have been a short-term state induced to enhance the body’s natural healing processes following Joseph Caldwell’s surgery. Instead, hours had stretched into days, and days into weeks, and still the man slumbered on, if sleep it could be called.
It didn’t matter that the patient’s eyes refused to open of their own accord. Oliver knew they were slate grey, almond-shaped and, when he was conscious, they telegraphed every emotion the man felt. Oliver knew that, because he’d stared down into those eyes on an operating table six months before, seen the interest in the grey depths turn to fear when he’d caught sight of the gas mask. Fear wasn’t unusual in his patients—he had a practiced litany of words designed to ease the uncertainties of patients who were scared of losing consciousness.
Some people feared spiders, some feared the unknown. Joseph Caldwell, he sensed, feared losing control. He was a man who was accustomed to being careful. His whole being screamed caution and reserve, from the precisely trimmed hair to the neatly plucked eyebrows. If he peeked into the plastic carrier that held the man’s belongings he would surely find a pair of highly polished dress shoes, neat slacks, a button-down shirt and a tie. Even his build was a perfect balance of casual fitness, muscled but not buff, lean but not thin.
The patient had lost muscle and fat though over the ensuing weeks. Allowing his gaze to wander down the thin frame, skipping guiltily over the IV needles and catheter tubes, Oliver counted the man’s breaths for a minute. Each breath raised the thin sheet reassuringly, establishing Caldwell’s claim to life. Persistent, tenacious, clinging to life. He might look waxen and pale, but Joseph Caldwell lived, and that was something.
It wasn’t much consolation, and Oliver felt at times that if the man had died on the operating table he might have been better able to get over the whole mess. This lingering sleep-death tugged at his heart and head, made a mess of his entire reason for being. His mother clucked at him and told him he was obsessed. He might well be. He just couldn’t forget the way trust had replaced fear in that grey gaze, the way the man had held his gaze until sleep claimed him, had clutched Oliver’s hand until his body went limp.
“I could chuck it all,” he spoke. He sipped his coffee idly and grimaced at the bitter flavour. He’d forgotten the sugar again. “And go off to become a bohemian artist. Make splashes of colour on grey landscapes and tell the world I’m just misunderstood.” The idea had come to him more and more often of late. He had come to despise his job and the science behind it. Science he felt had betrayed him. All his life he’d loved the quantifiable, the predictable. When science screwed you over what else was there but art? Draining the cup to the dregs, he swallowed the strange lump in his throat that seemed to have been a near-constant problem for the last six months.

12/26/2013

What Not to Say #3




The Old Soda Shop 
An M/M Romance by Lee Brazil 



Former college roommates Matt and Sam have a history.
Will a chance encounter in the street lead to a second chance at love?


Years ago, art student Matt Gilray's world turned on its axis when his lover Sam rejected him at their favorite hangout. He'd spent the years since learning to be a businessman and an artist, letting go, forgetting a love affair that had brought him more pain than joy in the end.

A last minute realization that his college fuck buddy had turned into a lover wasn’t enough to stop business student Sam Balantyne from chasing his dreams. When the dreams runs out, Sam returns home and buys the derelict soda shop where they used to hang out. He wasn't looking for a second chance; he just wanted to enjoy a memory.

In the process of “freeing himself to pursue his dreams”, 
had Sam tarnished them beyond recovery?

12/24/2013

Hank Edwards Challenged Me - Passing It on to You - Are you up for it?

Hank Edwards challenged me to name 10 Movies that have stuck with me over the years. I'm not sure I can do this one- but I'll give it a shot.

1. North and South - okay, so it was actually a miniseries about 24 hours long, but still...
2. Sound of Music - In second grade, my class took a field trip to see this movie- I've been a fan every since.
3. The Wizard of Oz - as a child, I was terrified not only that flying monkeys would swoop down from the trees and attack me, but that a house would fall on me.
4. Planet of the Apes - saw at a drive in theater with my whole family in the back end of a station wagon - it was a double feature with 2001 Space Odyssey, which bored me to sleep. Roddy McDowall as Cornelius, however, is something that I can still grin about today
5. Star Wars - Yes. I am more likely to watch this than any of the new ones. My siblings and I fought light saber battles with tree branches for years after seeing this.



NOW Moving out of the childhood years

6.  Shawshank Redemption - I'm still not sure he was innocent
7. Good Will Hunting - Because. That's why. Just Because.
8. The Dead Poet's Society - I wanted to be that teacher- the one who inspires creative thought and action. I hope I was.
9. Pulp Fiction - What just happened there? I know. It's awful...but in a really good way.
10. The Silence of the Lambs - Shudder.

What about you? Can you name ten movies that have stuck with you over the years?



12/23/2013

M/M Series of the Year! Pulp Friction Honored

Laura Harner, Tom Webb, Havan Fellows and I were all floored to find this item in the newsfeed this morning!


Best M/M series goes to Pulp Friction authors, Lee Brazil, Havan Fellows, Laura Harner and T.A. Webb. I reviewed these books earlier this year. They have 5 each in the series for a total of 20 books in these serial shorts.
Post by Books Galore.


We are so honored that readers are enjoying our little experiment in writing, and look forward to seeing you all in Flagstaff next year- virtually, at least!

BTW- Books Galore is a fabulous Face Book page for lovers of ALL kinds of books, not just m/m. Click on over and give them a "like" today to keep abreast of all the latest and greatest.

Have you tried the Pulp Friction experience?

Pulp Friction 2013 drew to an end this month with the finale, Odd Man Out. Check it out at All Romance.

Blurb

Chance Dumont. Marcus Prater. Zachary Carmichael. Wick Templeton. Friends through circumstance, brothers by choice.

After facing off with his personal demons, Wick shuts down, but he never anticipated how his impulsive off-the-grid vacation would affect the rest of his chosen brothers. No one can hurt you like someone you love.

Before they have time to work things out, the serial killer who has been targeting Atlanta’s gay community strikes close to home. Again. It’s enough to cause an all-hands meeting at Chances Are. But when one of the brothers fails to show, it becomes clear that the close connection the men have to the murder victims is no coincidence.

They’ve got the smarts, the weapons, and the willingness to do whatever it takes to find their missing brother—before it’s too late. What brought them together in the first place may just be that which tears them apart forever.

Four authors. Twenty books. One explosive finale.

12/22/2013

The Old Soda Shop Makes it to the Best Seller List at All Romance!

I was so thrilled to receive the email from All Romance eBooks that The Old Soda Shop had made it onto their site wide best seller list! Thank you to everyone who purchased from their site.

It's a real pleasure for an author to see their work appreciated. 

I had to take a screen shot, you know, so I could remember. 


Have you picked up a copy yet? It's a sweet, second chance at love romance with a touch of hot, sensual attraction.

Get yours today!

12/21/2013

Christmas Gift Offer From Totally Bound

Hey Guys,

Totally Bound was cool enough to send me this gift certificate/card, with instructions to forward it to a friend or lover of erotic fiction. Well, naturally, I though of you!


Why not click over and pick up something hot today such as His Dream Lover, my latest m.m romance novella?

Merry Christmas to you!





Meet Sam...The Old Soda Shop











The Old Soda Shop 
An M/M Romance by Lee Brazil 



Former college roommates Matt and Sam have a history.
Will a chance encounter in the street lead to a second chance at love?


Years ago, art student Matt Gilray's world turned on its axis when his lover Sam rejected him at their favorite hangout. He'd spent the years since learning to be a businessman and an artist, letting go, forgetting a love affair that had brought him more pain than joy in the end.

A last minute realization that his college fuck buddy had turned into a lover wasn’t enough to stop business student Sam Balantyne from chasing his dreams. When the dreams runs out, Sam returns home and buys the derelict soda shop where they used to hang out. He wasn't looking for a second chance; he just wanted to enjoy a memory.

In the process of “freeing himself to pursue his dreams”, 


had Sam tarnished them beyond recovery?

12/20/2013

New Release: Available for Early Download- His Dream Lover

His Dream Lover 

by 
Lee Brazil

Is available for early download now from 





Through the gates of the sun lies the land of dreams, and beyond that...the realm of the lost.
In a private hospital room, motionless and still beneath a sheet, lies Joseph Caldwell. His surgery has passed, to all intents and purposes, successfully. The doctors offer no explanation for why he hasn't awakened from the medically induced coma. The stream of visitors trickles down to nothing, and still he lies in endless sleep. Nearly everyone has given up any hope for his recovery.
Anaesthesiologist Oliver Gideon is racked with guilt and confusion. Could he have somehow done something wrong? His superiors assure him he is not at fault, the science he reviews tells him his dosages were correct, but the longer Caldwell sleeps the more Oliver is haunted by the loneliness of the figure in the bed.  He spends every possible moment with the patient, reading, talking, trying to fill the little room with sound, to stir a response that science isn't sure is possible.
Morpheus, King of Dreams has welcomed Joseph to his realm. Some dreams, he explains, are true, and some are false. There's only one way tell. Joseph loves the dream world Morpheus has woven for him, for in it, he's found something he never found in reality—a soul mate. For the first time, his life is perfect.
In the end, he has to choose. He cannot stay in the Realm of Morpheus forever. It's either back to the land of the sun, and potential loneliness or on to the realm of the lost.

Reader Advisory: This story has been previously released as part of the 50s Mixed Tape anthology by Totally Bound.


12/19/2013

What Not to Say #2




The Old Soda Shop 
An M/M Romance by Lee Brazil 


Former college roommates Matt and Sam have a history.
Will a chance encounter in the street lead to a second chance at love?


Years ago, art student Matt Gilray's world turned on its axis when his lover Sam rejected him at their favorite hangout. He'd spent the years since learning to be a businessman and an artist, letting go, forgetting a love affair that had brought him more pain than joy in the end.

A last minute realization that his college fuck buddy had turned into a lover wasn’t enough to stop business student Sam Balantyne from chasing his dreams. When the dreams runs out, Sam returns home and buys the derelict soda shop where they used to hang out. He wasn't looking for a second chance; he just wanted to enjoy a memory.

In the process of “freeing himself to pursue his dreams”, 
had Sam tarnished them beyond recovery?

12/18/2013

New Review: Rainbow Reviews Reviews Donovan's Deal




Rainbow Book Reviews gives  Donovan's deal (Truth or Dare Series, Book 6) a great review.

"....Thank you, Lee, for the reminder that a house husband doesn't sit around eating bonbons all day...."

Read More at 


Get your copy of this novella at 


for 20% off! 

12/17/2013

New Excerpt : The Old Soda Shop

The Old Soda Shop 


Former college roommates Matt and Sam have a history.
Will a chance encounter in the street lead to a second chance at love?


Years ago, art student Matt Gilray's world turned on its axis when his lover Sam rejected him at their favorite hangout. He'd spent the years since learning to be a businessman and an artist, letting go, forgetting a love affair that had brought him more pain than joy in the end.

A last minute realization that his college fuck buddy had turned into a lover wasn’t enough to stop business student Sam Balantyne from chasing his dreams. When the dreams runs out, Sam returns home and buys the derelict soda shop where they used to hang out. He wasn't looking for a second chance; he just wanted to enjoy a memory.


In the process of “freeing himself to pursue his dreams”, had Sam tarnished them beyond recovery?

EXCERPT 
Chapter 1


Sam Balantyne trudged down the slushy sidewalk of the historic district of Greely, Colorado, gazing unseeing into the falling slush. The gray sky suited his mood. Very few people were foolish enough to be out walking in this mess. Most people had the sense to be at home or somewhere warm. Not Sam. No, thanks to his flaky, thoughtless sexy roommate, he walked down an icy street in a part of town where even bikes were frowned upon just off campus. It was safe enough not to look. No random cars would splash murky water on unwary pedestrians. No cars were permitted on the brick work streets of Old Town.

Sam knew where he was going and exactly how many steps in the icy slush it would take to get there. An hour ago, he’d been contentedly lounging on his bed, studying for midterms next week, when his flighty roommate called. He curled his hands into fists inside the deep pockets of his navy wool pea coat. Fucking Matt. Such a goddamn pie-in-the-sky dreamer. How did I end up with an art student for a roommate in the first place? Every month turned into a damn race against the clock to see if Matt would be able to pull together his share of the rent, or the cable, or whatever. Bad enough that Sam perpetually fed the man, now this.

Apparently Matt had gotten the rent money but couldn’t be bothered to come home and give it to Sam. No. Sam had to meet him at the soda shop off Fifth Street because Matt had other things to do. Ordinarily, Sam loved the soda shop. He and Matt had spent many great sunny afternoons there, sitting on the patio, guy watching and laughing, even occasionally sharing a lemon Italian Cream Soda.

The bitter cold wind cut through the thick wool of his coat, and Sam caught himself wondering if Matt had had the sense to wear a jacket when he left the apartment that morning. Probably not. The sun had been shining then, and Matt never could see beyond the moment.

Someone, possibly even Matt himself, had put a colorful knitted ski cap on the head of the old stone lion that guarded the occult book shop next door to the soda shop. The lilting notes of a sexy little jazz number drifted from the tiny bar on the other side of the soda shop. The music and the light from the window created a perfect backdrop for the vision that met Sam’s eyes when he looked up. In the golden glow from the soda shop window, he saw Matt sitting at a tiny table for two on the front patio of the shop. He wore a thin leather jacket and Sam’s navy blue wool beanie tugged down low over his ears as he sat on the tiny black iron chair. His booted feet rested on the other seat. Matt puffed on one of the little clove cigarettes he favored and cupped hands covered in fingerless gloves around the tiny source of heat. The little table in front of him held an ashtray and two steaming mugs of hot chocolate into which the slushy snow fell.

Sam shook his head. Smoking cloves was bad enough, better than tobacco scent-wise by a small margin, but who the hell sat on the patio in this freaking weather? Airheaded art majors, that was who. “God damn it, Matt! How many times have I told you to dress warmly when you leave the house? You’re going to get sick! And…” The words spilled from his mouth before he could stop them, a ludicrous tirade that his own mother would have cringed to hear. He snatched the cigarette out of his roommate’s hand. “Smoking this shit will kill you!”

Matt turned to look at him, and Sam nearly groaned. The heavy feeling in his heart, the anger at Matt’s foolishness, seemed to melt away as he caught the expression in those bright blue eyes. He wasn’t surprised to find his own heart beating faster, stirring with desire despite the cold. He was surprised by the lilt of happiness that brightened the gray of the late winter day. Fuck. He didn’t want to feel this way, to let anyone have the ability to create sunshine in his day with a crooked little smile. Especially not Matt. Matt drifted along perfectly content, dreaming and painting and starving for his art. Sam dreamed of bigger things. He wanted success, the bright lights of a big city, and by big he didn’t mean Denver! He wanted all the luxuries life could afford. And that look in Matt’s eyes… had he always looked at him that way?
Matt removed his boots from the seat with a grimace.

“No, thanks. I’ll pass. Look. I’m going home this weekend.” He hadn’t planned to, but a weekend in Denver with his mom and dad, siblings running all over, would screw his head back on straight. “You keep the rent money. Use it to find another place to stay, okay? I can’t keep doing this every month.”

Matt protested instantly, the shock on his face heart-wrenching. “Sam, I promise. It won’t happen again. I got a job. That’s why I couldn’t come to the apartment.”

Sam shook his head, schooling his features to hide his feelings. “No. It’s just not working out for us.” But it could, his heart argued. He shut it down instantly. Not taking that chance. Better to end things now, before either of them got any more involved and while they both still had the chance to make their dreams come true.

“Sam, I love you. I don’t want to move out. Just, please, give me one more month to prove I can do this?” Matt’s voice cracked on the words he forced out. Sam couldn’t tell if tears or melting snowflakes caused the dampness on his pale cheeks.

Hardening his heart, Sam continued, “That’s just it, Matt. I don’t want to be loved. I don’t want to love anyone. I just wanted to get laid a little. I need freedom to pursue my dreams, and taking care of you, it’s a burden I don’t want. I thought it was all just fun. You’re taking things way too seriously. So, please, do us both a favor and leave before I get back Monday afternoon?” His dad would lend him the money for the rent this month.

Unable to meet those blue eyes without throwing his arms around Matt’s slim shoulders and hugging him tight, without promising that they could try again, without swearing he would never be such an ass again, Sam turned and stumbled against the stone lion, knocking the knit cap into the slush, where eddies of muddy liquid blurred its bright colors. He whirled and tromped back up the street he’d just come down, ignoring Matt calling his name behind him as he went.



12/15/2013

New Blurb For Upcoming Release: The Old Soda Shop

The Old Soda Shop 

Former college roommates Matt and Sam have a history.
Will a chance encounter in the street lead to a second chance at love?


Years ago, art student Matt Gilray's world turned on its axis when his lover Sam rejected him at their favorite hangout. He'd spent the years since learning to be a businessman and an artist, letting go, forgetting a love affair that had brought him more pain than joy in the end.

A last minute realization that his college fuck buddy had turned into a lover wasn’t enough to stop business student Sam Balantyne from chasing his dreams. When the dreams runs out, Sam returns home and buys the derelict soda shop where they used to hang out. He wasn't looking for a second chance; he just wanted to enjoy a memory.


In the process of “freeing himself to pursue his dreams”, had Sam tarnished them beyond recovery?

12/14/2013

Lemon Cream Soda - Something my characters and I have in common

I can't even remember when it was, back in the nineties I suppose, I worked at the mall, and there was a shop that sold Italian cream sodas. 

To Die For. 

So when I got this prompt, that was the thing that stood out in my mind... 

Lemon Italian Cream sodas. 


The Old Soda Shop 
An M/M Romance by Lee Brazil 



Former college roommates Matt and Sam have a history.
Will a chance encounter in the street lead to a second chance at love?


Years ago, art student Matt Gilray's world turned on its axis when his lover Sam rejected him at their favorite hangout. He'd spent the years since learning to be a businessman and an artist, letting go, forgetting a love affair that had brought him more pain than joy in the end.

A last minute realization that his college fuck buddy had turned into a lover wasn’t enough to stop business student Sam Balantyne from chasing his dreams. When the dreams runs out, Sam returns home and buys the derelict soda shop where they used to hang out. He wasn't looking for a second chance; he just wanted to enjoy a memory.

In the process of “freeing himself to pursue his dreams”, 

had Sam tarnished them beyond recovery?


12/13/2013

New Release: First Time as a Stand Alone Title! The Old Soda Shop

The Old Soda Shop 

Coming Dec. 18th 

Former college roommates Matt and Sam have a history.
Will a chance encounter in the street lead to a second chance at love?


12/12/2013

Review and Contest! Click and Win





Good morning everyone! I'm at Live Your Life Buy the Book today as part of their advent calendar event sharing a new favorite recipe.

 Barb Gilmour will tell you about Loving Jacob and Holidays with Jacob, and if you comment, you get a chance to win copies of both books!


What Not to Say to Your Lover #1


The Old Soda Shop 
An M/M Romance by Lee Brazil 

BUY LINK HERE 


Former college roommates Matt and Sam have a history.
Will a chance encounter in the street lead to a second chance at love?


Years ago, art student Matt Gilray's world turned on its axis when his lover Sam rejected him at their favorite hangout. He'd spent the years since learning to be a businessman and an artist, letting go, forgetting a love affair that had brought him more pain than joy in the end.

A last minute realization that his college fuck buddy had turned into a lover wasn’t enough to stop business student Sam Balantyne from chasing his dreams. When the dreams runs out, Sam returns home and buys the derelict soda shop where they used to hang out. He wasn't looking for a second chance; he just wanted to enjoy a memory.

In the process of “freeing himself to pursue his dreams”, 
had Sam tarnished them beyond recovery?



Messing Around on Print Shop...




12/11/2013

Odd Man Out Hits It at ARE!

Thrilled to announce that Odd Man Out
the finale of the Pulp Friction 2013 event, 

has hit the best seller lists! 

It's debuted on the ARE list at #25 today- that's sitewide! 

Commemorating the moment with a feeble crop and paste
 (Hey, even that much is stretching
my tech ability!)


ODD MAN OUT 


Chance Dumont. Marcus Prater. Zachary Carmichael. Wick Templeton. Friends through circumstance, brothers by choice.

After facing off with his personal demons, Wick shuts down, but he never anticipated how his impulsive off-the-grid vacation would affect the rest of his chosen brothers. No one can hurt you like someone you love.

Before they have time to work things out, the serial killer who has been targeting Atlanta’s gay community strikes close to home. Again. It’s enough to cause an all-hands meeting at Chances Are. But when one of the brothers fails to show, it becomes clear that the close connection the men have to the murder victims is no coincidence.

They've got the smarts, the weapons, and the willingness to do whatever it takes to find their missing brother—before it’s too late. What brought them together in the first place may just be that which tears them apart forever.


Four authors. Twenty books. One explosive finale.

Also available at Amazon and other ebook vendors. 

12/02/2013

Cyber Monday Deals You Can't Pass Up!

Welcome to Cyber Monday! Pulp Friction has one heck of a deal for you! Purchase any of our books tagged #cybermonday at ALL Romance ebooks, and in addition to the huge discount we're giving, ARE is giving a 50% rebate today!



 Discounted up to 75%! 





Chances Are Collection






Pick up one or all for a great read this holiday season! 





11/27/2013

BLACK FRIDAY PART DEUX : BREATHLESS PRESS

Hey Folks!

My publisher, Breathless Press, which houses 90% of my written work, is hosting a fabulous Black Friday Sale!

ALL books are 60% off at the Breathless Press site, and 30% off at ARE! 

That's Friday only, of course! 

So click on over to Breathless Press and fill in the holes in your Lee Brazil Collection today! 











11/26/2013

Black Friday Heads Up!

Hey All!

In Honor of shoppers everywhere who'd rather just stay home and read,
I'm offering an extended Black Friday shopping deal on all Lime Time Press books at ARE
 from 11/27 thru 11/29. Enjoy!
Lee



 Ten Books for $10 
(Or 99 cents a piece!) 












Pick up one or all for a great read this holiday season! 






11/06/2013

WIP Wednesday: The Interview




WIP Wednesday- Welcome back to Wednesday folk's where I share my current project with you - inmost cases this is an unedited excerpt of a project, but this week, I'm working on revising my holiday story The Interview, and so you're getting a dose of that!

The Interview was first published in the Story Orgy Anthology, And The Prompt Is Holiday edition two years ago. It was released as a single last year, and after being re-edited this year will be a single as well.






EXCERPT 
Copyright Dec 2011 By Lee Brazil

Chapter 1

The notes of "I'll Be Home For Christmas" wafted through the air. It seemed that no matter how many spritely and cheerful Christmas songs there were, I never heard any but the melancholy ones lately. Those that weren't blatantly sad served to remind me of what I was missing this Christmas. Who wants to hear about couples cuddling in front of the fire when they're spending the holiday alone? And who cares if Parson Brown asks to marry them when you couldn't get your boyfriend to commit to living in the same state?
I tugged my red wool cap down farther over my ears, shoved dark glasses on to block the sun from my aching eyes and headed to the library. I wanted to snarl at whatever idiot had his music playing so loud in the staff parking lot, but it wasn't worth the effort of speaking. Today was the last day of classes before winter break at the university, and I had exactly six hours of work at the library before my holiday, such as it was, started.
My boots crunched on the salted sidewalks as I wove my way between beleaguered students. The last finals were today, and the stress showed on everyone's faces. When the third student with his nose in a book nearly slammed into me, I darted from the semi clear sidewalk and tromped through the new layer of snow. I took a bitter satisfaction in marring that pristine sparkling surface with my boot prints. I didn't even care that this little side excursion might ruin my leather boots. Who cared? They were sleek and sexy, not real cold weather boots, but if no one was going to admire me in them, then what was the point?
Six miserable hours that I wished would drag out for four more days. I wasn't looking forward to going home at the end of this shift and spending the next few days being reminded that I was alone. I'd have way too much time to think about Cris and our years together. He should have been there. We'd planned for him to be there. Except, last weekend he'd called and told me about a new offer he had for an excellent position, great benefits, no more traveling. I could tell he really wanted that job.
I really wanted him to be around more, too. So I told him to go for it. Then the other shoe fell. I should have known there was a catch. There's always a catch. Turned out the only time he could interview for this position was Christmas Eve.
I'd assured him it was fine, that all would be well, that my family would keep me busy and I'd barely miss him if he stayed in California for the interview. After all, we weren't kids. He could arrive on December 26th and we could celebrate just fine.
But I was lying and he damn sure should have known it. Cris just accepted it though. Accepted and carried on as we always had, calling and texting and emailing and having our lovely long distance, open relationship.
The one I was beginning to loathe with all my being.
The familiar chirp of my cell phone had me reaching into my pocket, pausing near some evergreen shrubs just outside the library. I pushed my hair back over my shoulder as the wind whipped around the corner and sent it flying. Thin strands clung to the Chap Stick that I'd lined my lips with. Ordinarily I'd have used my favorite lip maximizer, but I'd been so down, I hadn't bothered to go through my usual winter ritual of applying mashed papaya paste to exfoliate and soften my lips. Which I guess is kind of crazy, because the whole purpose of the ritual was to keep my lips kissable in appearance and texture despite the dry cold, and just because Cris was arriving four days late didn't mean there wouldn't be plenty of kissing when he got here!
"Hello." I should have checked to see who it was before I answered. It was Cris, and I had to pretend to be cheerful and brimming with Christmas spirit when I was anything but.
"Hey Ben, I just called to remind you to get the tree after work today. You said last night that you hadn't gotten it yet, and I know it's one of your favorite things to do."
With you. I held the guilt inducing words back. With Cris, shopping for the perfect tree was my favorite holiday tradition. We made an event out of the whole thing. A thermos of hot cocoa with marshmallows in hand, we would wander through the tree lots looking for the perfect vehicle to display the antique and handmade ornaments that I inherited from my grandmother. We measured the distance between branches, studied every Scotch pine and every blue spruce, knowing all the while that we'd settle for a fragrant Douglas or red fir with its sturdy, widely spaced branches to show off the ornaments better.
I wasn't so much looking forward to finding a tree alone. Or decorating it alone. Hanging crocheted snowflakes, tinsel, and Grandma's vintage glass bird ornaments wouldn't have the same appeal without Cris's firm grip guiding my hand to the perfect spot on the tree. He tried very hard, my Cris, not to let his obsessive demand for symmetry and order mar the holidays, but the twitching always got to be too much. I confess, I deliberately placed an ornament or two in an awkward spot just to feel his hand on mine, the heat of his body close behind me.
"Yeah. I'll go when I get done here. Can you call me around four?" It would be a little bit better if I could talk to him about the choices, maybe send a photo of the final product.
"Ummm. I'll try, but I can't promise anything."
So I probably wouldn't even get that solace. "Okay. Call if you can. I have to go. Work awaits."
I hid in the stacks all day, shelving cart after cart of books, losing myself in the scent of leather and old paper. It beat working the counter where the aroma of pine from the decorative evergreen boughs—genuine, despite fire codes—and the peppermint of the candy dish just screamed Christmas. It beat smiling cheerfully and wishing sleep deprived teenagers a happy holiday—because it is a state funded school and Merry Christmas is just too politically incorrect.
In the end, I didn't bother with the measuring tape or the cocoa, just pointed my '67 Mustang straight for the nearest tree lot. Go in, pick a tree, go home and set it up so the branches could drop. I could do this, I didn't need Cris holding my hand to choose a tree.
My confidence in my ability to function as a rational adult was shaken when my first step on the tree lot brought tears to my eyes and bitterness to my heart. The scent of the pine trees made me nauseous, and the laughter of the kids running about chasing each other from Santa's sleigh to the giant snowman cut-out made me weepy. I've never been much of a people person, but I've never felt such a need for companionship either. Being on the tree lot without Cris, I was lonely. Overwhelmingly so.
I didn't have the heart to look around. Cris would have played tag with those kids. He would have coaxed me into the silly decorated sleigh and charmed some passing stranger into taking our picture.
I grabbed the first tree I found that seemed less than six feet tall and more than four. The tree needed to be tall enough to set on the low table in front of the street-side window of my living room. Everything else, I could work around. So what if the ornaments didn't line up perfectly because the branches weren't symmetrical?
I wouldn't say I wound up with a Charlie Brown tree, but the fact that the tree wasn't perfect soothed me a bit. The fact that it cost about half what we normally paid shocked me. Who knew? Somehow I had always assumed a tree for under a hundred bucks was impossible to find. I dropped the change into a bell-ringing Santa's bucket, feeling a bit better about both myself and my tree.
Funny how that works; I hadn't bought a cheaper tree intentionally to donate the rest of what I would have spent to any worthy cause. It just happened. And I felt just the tiniest bit lighter, happier, afterward.
I helped the two lot workers in red and black flannel shirts secure the tree to the roof of my car by staying the hell out of their way and not protesting about my paint job more than twice while they secured the tree with tarp and bungee cords that I provided. Cris would have been all over that, double checking and testing the security.
On impulse, I headed back over to the sleigh, where a weary looking young mom was struggling to get two rambunctious kids to sit still long enough so she could snap a picture.
"I'll take the picture if you want to get in there with them," I offered a bit awkwardly. Hopefully she wouldn't think I was some kind of stalking perv.
"Would you?" She seemed relieved and excited, maybe the rest of the world wasn't as paranoid and leery as I.
"Sure, if you'll snap a picture of me for my boyfriend after." Cris would get his annual photo of me in the Christmas sleigh after all.
She held out her gloved hand. "I'm Debbie Adams. The mischievous angels," she grimaced wryly as I awkwardly took her hand, "are Chad and Brad."
"Ben Cavelli. Twins, huh?" I accepted her camera as she seated herself between the two boys.
With their mom between them, the two demons turned into angels, smiling and snuggling into their mom's down coat, looking up at her with laughing blue eyes. I must have taken half dozen candid shots before mom got the kids positioned the way she wanted them.
Five minutes, that's all the stillness the little ones could take, but I did snap the pic the now smiling mom wanted.
I handed her my phone, showed her how to take a picture with it, and brushed off her thanks. Instead of climbing into the seat of the sleigh though, I leaned back against the painted side of the crimson vehicle and whipped off my dark glasses. I would send the picture, along with one of the tree, to Cris before I went to bed tonight. I wouldn't be looking my best, not without eyeliner and lip gloss, but I'd be genuinely smiling.
Sitting in my car, I laughed to see that the young mother had also taken a few candid shots…one of my ass in the tight denim jeans that was absolutely making the send-to-Cris cut.








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Be Yourself

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. ~e.e. cummings, 1955
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